Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
