And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
