I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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