I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
