MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
