i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
