Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
