You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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