before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
