But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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