He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
