my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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