i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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