Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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