I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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