I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
