i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
