So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
