Your face is a jimmy john
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
