the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
