youre lurking in front of me
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
