It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
