fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
