You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
