Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
