The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
