I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
