i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
