Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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