He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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