youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
it's like heaven, but drunker
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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