you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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