Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
