i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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