This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
