I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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