They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
