someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
