I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
