i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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