Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
