doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
