You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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