I seem to have left my pride at pride
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
