i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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