I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
