My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
