just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
