My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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