Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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