don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
